Happiness in this world...

... when it comes, comes incidentally. Make it the object of pursuit, and it leads us a wild-goose chase, and is never attained. Follow some other object, and very possibly we may find that we have caught happiness without dreaming of it; but likely enough it is gone the moment we say to ourselves, 'Here it is!' like the chest of gold that treasure-seekers find.
-Nathaniel Hawthorne

I thought you knew...

...you were beautiful and fair
your bright eyes and hair
but now I see that no one knows that
about himself, but must be told
and retold until it takes hold
because I think anything can be killed
after a while, especially beauty.
- Peter Meinke

Summertime

(Play as you read. It'll make more sense.)

As school is starting again, I know I will be faced with the question of "How was your summer?" and truthfully, many times I don't know how to answer. In short, this summer has been hard, really hard. I have been overwhelmed with a lack of faith and and abundance of apathy. Everything I had ever held on to was in question. In the past, whenever the feeling of faith would leave, I could rely on my knowledge of what I knew about God and religion. However, this time it was different; this time, the faith was gone and it was the knowledge that was in question.

It's hard for me to admit this because in my eyes, I am supposed to be the one that has it all together. I was always the good kid, the one that gave advice, the one that didn't need help, and I was ashamed. Ashamed that I couldn't live up to my expectation of myself. This expectation tore me up and down, beat me up, gave me a few black eyes. Anyways I hope this explains the gist of this summer for me, and truthfully, I'm not really even close to being through this.

So this is where the song comes in. This summer, I have been meeting with my dad (who surprisingly and rightfully welcomed my questioning) and trying to wrap my head around trusting God and letting him work through me than trying to please God and always disappoint myself by relying on my efforts. Each time we met I wanted that moment of "this is how I feel!" I understand and this is how I can get out of this. But that time never came and the light kept growing dimmer. Today I was making my quilt with my ipod on shuffle behind me. On comes a song with a very intriguing and beautiful musical intro. Then the starts singing, "Oh great it's a Christian song. (I'm tired of cliches)" Then the words catch me. This man is begging God to not remove his light from him. This is how I feel. As much as part of me wants to say to heck with this I'm just going to live my life, my inmost feeling is "Please don't take your presence away from me, O King. Please don't take away your embrace from me, My King." I hope he is big enough to hear my cry; I desperately desired to feel his love.  

Like I said, I don't think that I am through this battle at all, for the apathy is very strong, but today I saw a glimmer of hope. One that I will cherish and hold close until the rest returns.
Truthfully, as I am about to post this, I am a little nauseous. I am scared to let my facade down and say life is messed up right now. But here I go.

We're gonna start by drinking old cheap bottles of wine. Sit talking up all night. Saying things we haven't for a while.

The Script is my new all time favorite band.

These songs are amazing.

Imma Makin a Quilt!!!

Yay! :)

John Brown University

So this summer has been pretty good. Lots of work staying busy. But, man do I want to go back to JBU.

Cleaning moods

Oh cleaning moods are one of the greatest things in the world. It's not that I don't want to clean... I just have to be in the mood. When I'm in the mood to clean I actually enjoy it!
Thankfully today, one of these moods hit and I am proud to say that my bathroom is clean. Completely clean. It's quite wonderful. I would upload a pic but it's just a bathroom.
Not that interesting... 
Well I'm glad you now have read this post and know my bathroom is clean.
Oh and I want a new fish.

I don't wanna go to bed. I don't want to dream.

Quirks

1. I normally like having the hiccups. I believe them to be fun.
2. One of my biggest fears is getting a ring stuck on my finger. I have literally had a panic attack and almost dislocated my finger trying to get one off.
3. Silhouettes with the sunset behind them is one of my favorites sights in the world, especially trees those are cool. 

and skylines

4. I still have a blanket and a pillow I cannot sleep without and of which I am very possessive.
5. Oh and with the blanket theme, I have a blanket collection of over 30 blankets.
6. My favorite flowers are wildflowers. Like these

and this 

7. My whiteboard just feel off my wall.. 

8. I have lived in 6 houses in my life. 5 of them being in Tulsa. 

9. I love plying with my gooderest little sister. ,#

10. I bought a longboard on Friday. (I'm excited!)

11. My favorite flavor of ice cream in birthday cake. It's like 2 desserts in one! But i don't like birthday cake and ice cream together. Hmm I just realized this. Odd.

12. I play connect the dots with my freckles. 

13. I like facial hair on boys, quite attractive.

14. I LOVE MY FAMILY!

15. The second I can afford and have a place to get a dog I am adopting one. 

16. I wish I could paint pretty pictures.

17. Viva Mamacitas! (Intramural pride)

18. This is taking forever. 

19. My monsters name is Mash Chomsky the IV

20. Apparently, I just missed dodgeball.

21. I like to day dream alot. 

22. Frisbee is fun. I also love Rowing. Soccer is a blast, and I'm quite the competitive person.

23. I race people at red lights, whether they know we are racing or not, I normally win.

24. I am the proud owner of Genevieve and Leopold.

25. My dreamhouse is a treehouse. 

Go to Google images and look up treehouses. I want to leave right now and find these places.
26. I don't kill bugs. 

So here is it! 26 things you might not have known about me! Hope you enjoyed!

Fear of the Answer

Why do people go through life content with the shallow relationships going on around them? Why do people walk by each other everyday and say "Hi, how are you today?" expecting to hear good great or fine? Why do people who are having the crappiest day of their life answer good, fine, great? What's wrong with asking "Are you okay?" and getting a straight answer? Why are we quick to rejoice with those who rejoice but ignore the command to mourn with those who mourn? Do we just not really want to know?
The only thing that makes sense to me is fear. Fear that if you ask "Are you okay?" you will actually get an true answer. Fear that if you truly answer that person, the person wont care and see it as a hindrance. Or that the beautiful rotten facade you built will come crashing down all in one little slip of the tongue. Fear that the burden you see right behind their eyes may soon become yours. Fear that your question might be rejected. Fear that your explanation of what's going on is dumb even though at the time it is crashing your world. Why are we so run by fear? Aren't God's people supposed to be caked with love?
"God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. ¹⁷ This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. ¹⁸ There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.  ¹⁹ We love because he first loved us (1 John 4)."
I am called to love. I am called to forget the fear to take a chance and to strive to perfectly love people. To love them so much that the fear of a true answer is driven out by my overflowing love of that person. A love that eases the fear of rejection and encourages an understanding of the truth. The love that my savior shows me everyday. The love that annihilates my fear of being known by him. The love that I am called to emulate. The love I will be striving for.  

If I Only Had a Brain

So today I'm pretty sure my brain is still in my bed sleeping. I don't know why, it must be really lazy but because of this I have: Forgotten my id and keys in my locked room(which has been remedied by my amazing roommate), completely forgot to do a bonus activity for my human growth test today (which was fix with about 10 minutes of frantic typing and a gracious teacher), and all the while have not really been able to comprehend what's going on. This means random laughing and not really understanding the direness of all this.. Anyways just so you know, today my head is empty and my brain is sleeping. Now off to do homework that's due at 5.
Thanks for reading my pointless post of the day!

Living, Never, Shielded, Ready

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil, or fade- kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 1 Peter 1:3-5

So as much as I want to write about what I see here, there is nothing I can write that better says what these verses state. I'm letting the words speak for themselves, for I know the power that resides in them. I hope you find this a comfort in your day. And also if you have any questions feel free to ask!

"Will I lose my dignity? Will someone care? Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?"

The new year bring lots of opportunity. It brings the ability to start something new; to make a decision that this year brings something more than the last. So, this year, I have made a few petty new years resolutions, no soda, run a half marathon.. but there's one that I hope will be life changing.
Over the past few days I've realized how caught up in myself I have been the past few weeks even the past semester. Where I've learned a lot about who I am and what God has caught me to do, I've noticed that I became the center of my attention. I was worried about myself and about if I was okay. If I had the adequate amount of friends to be cool, or if I was happy. And then how could I fix it for my better if it was askew. Now I don't think the semester was horrible I enjoyed it and did learn a lot, but in doing all this stuff above. I lost myself. I've been thinking about my identity: who I am, who I am called to be, and what makes this up? I felt like when I was home, my identity was found in how involved I was at church, or the great Christian school I went to, or the great people I surrounded myself with. When all this was gone at college and people and professors didn't know what I would think about issues or where I stood on the subject, I found myself wondering the same thing. I wasn't sure of who I was. I started looking for myself in other places. Where I didn't completely change and I'm very much the same me, I did seem to loose a passion of mine. Caring for people.
The title above is from the movie Rent. It is a musical about people barely making it by in life, gayness, and aids. Where these are touchy subjects, I love the realness the movie brings to them. In this song, I found the cry of the world: "Will someone care?" That is what people are looking for. Someone to care. And that is where my new years resolution comes up. I resolve to care more. To listen more intently. To show Christ's love. To be focused on others. To truly care. That is what humanity craves. That is what my Savior showed me and that is what I have been called emulate through Christ's death. This in my identity which does not change with people or times. It stays the same rooted in my Creator who is everlasting and unchanging.
Lord, I ask that you guide me in this desire to care for people how you care for them, to see people how you see them, and to love how you loved. Without you my efforts are in vain, and in my weakness your strength is shown.

If I can just make it to the boat I'll be perfectly fine.

Have you every thought of your safe place? A place you can go where everything is fine, life is good, and the worries of the world don't matter. The world has melted away and all that's left is you and the place you are or the thing you're doing. I know that so many times I would be struggling through the day and my thoughts were, "Just make it practice. Just get in the boat and row the worries away." Now I'm not saying that it's where all the worries go away forever. For rowing, it just delayed them for a time. In the boat, it was me, my oar, the boat, and the water. Land contained the stresses and the water was my shelter. I guess my worries can't swim.

  Rowing is not my only safe place. I actually have 4.
1. Rowing
2. My trampoline. This has been my longest and most used one. It's easily accessible especially if I've just gotten in a argument with family or something happens in my house. I've always been pretty good at trampoline stuff. It come pretty easily to me. So jumping for about 5 minutes filled with back layouts and tucks normally completely calms me down.
3. Ultimate. My new found safe place. When I have a frisbee or am running around trying to get open for one the world is okay.
4. Running. I dont do this one very often but after a run I am normally completely relaxed. I love running to clear my head and pray.
The funny thing about these things is they are all athletic things, and they are all things I'm relatively good at. At that my friends is the secret to my safe place. When I'm failing at life, and I can't seem to do anything right, I go do something I'm good at. It's a little place I have control over what happens. Without these things life would be very difficult and I am so thankful that God has allowed me to enjoy this stuff.

Intentions

Today as I was laying awake in my bed at 5:30 this morning, I thought came about intentions in life. Why I do the things I do? Lately, and frequently in the past I find that my intentions are not the right ones. Where the deeds are good and result in great outcome, how good are they if intentions come from selfish desires and faulty pressure? For example, many times I find myself wanting to deepen my relationship with God and wanting to converse with God more and do everything I can to please him. However, when I examine my intentions it's not to just get closer to God, which should be way more than enough, but its to get to a growing point that I think is good. I want to be a missionary when I get older and finish school and everything. So I find myself striving to get to the spiritual maturity I need to be that. But, I've found that many times when this is my sole intention, the growing is stifled and is quickly regressed. My intention of reaching a point of maturity needs to become the result and the intention replaced with a fervent striving to be more like the man who died on the cross for me.
So, I realize this and want to follow it, but so many times, the head knowledge and the feelings don't add up. Therefore, I don't try. I don't want to follow after something with the wrong intentions behind it; scared that my progress will be fake in a sense. And this is where I am now in my reasoning. I know it's not working and I need to stay hidden in God and let him hold me and guide me; for the sole purposes that he loves, died for me, and chose me to be his child. But, what do I do til those desires become real and evident in my life?

Now Playing: She is Love - Parachute

Pandora Radio is a wonderful thing. And I have the best station in  the world! It's taken from the song Fall For You by Secondhand Serenade with a little Jack Johnson and Jason Mraz, not to mention a little Relient K, Sara Haze, and other glorious artists. It's super chill and pretty mellow. Music of which I can listen anytime of the day!
I've found that you can find out a lot about a person by there music.. Rachel (my little sister) for example likes a little of everything EXCEPT country (eww). Which backs up her personality. She accepts people. Lots of different people. She doesn't fit in a bubble and for the most part doesn't put people in bubbles. She gives them a fair chance like she does with music!
So completely random post for the day done! Along with some admiration for my darling little sister ,# LOVE YOU!
Now for the post I was planning to write!

Bucket List

A list of things I want to do before I die
1. Spend New Years in another country
2. Ride in a hot air balloon
3. Read the Bible in another language
4. Get married
5. Run a marathon
6. Go (and by go I mean watch) to the Olympics
7. Get a layout point
8. Learn to play the guitar (We'll see if that one ever happens..)
9.
So this is going to be a continuous list as I think of what stuff I want to do. You'll see more later!