Summertime

(Play as you read. It'll make more sense.)

As school is starting again, I know I will be faced with the question of "How was your summer?" and truthfully, many times I don't know how to answer. In short, this summer has been hard, really hard. I have been overwhelmed with a lack of faith and and abundance of apathy. Everything I had ever held on to was in question. In the past, whenever the feeling of faith would leave, I could rely on my knowledge of what I knew about God and religion. However, this time it was different; this time, the faith was gone and it was the knowledge that was in question.

It's hard for me to admit this because in my eyes, I am supposed to be the one that has it all together. I was always the good kid, the one that gave advice, the one that didn't need help, and I was ashamed. Ashamed that I couldn't live up to my expectation of myself. This expectation tore me up and down, beat me up, gave me a few black eyes. Anyways I hope this explains the gist of this summer for me, and truthfully, I'm not really even close to being through this.

So this is where the song comes in. This summer, I have been meeting with my dad (who surprisingly and rightfully welcomed my questioning) and trying to wrap my head around trusting God and letting him work through me than trying to please God and always disappoint myself by relying on my efforts. Each time we met I wanted that moment of "this is how I feel!" I understand and this is how I can get out of this. But that time never came and the light kept growing dimmer. Today I was making my quilt with my ipod on shuffle behind me. On comes a song with a very intriguing and beautiful musical intro. Then the starts singing, "Oh great it's a Christian song. (I'm tired of cliches)" Then the words catch me. This man is begging God to not remove his light from him. This is how I feel. As much as part of me wants to say to heck with this I'm just going to live my life, my inmost feeling is "Please don't take your presence away from me, O King. Please don't take away your embrace from me, My King." I hope he is big enough to hear my cry; I desperately desired to feel his love.  

Like I said, I don't think that I am through this battle at all, for the apathy is very strong, but today I saw a glimmer of hope. One that I will cherish and hold close until the rest returns.
Truthfully, as I am about to post this, I am a little nauseous. I am scared to let my facade down and say life is messed up right now. But here I go.