Empty words

Two faced lies

Broken promises 

Fake cries 

Questioned trust

Heaved sighs

"Don't worry about me. I'll be alright"

"We were fine without before. We'll be fine without after."
You wanted what was best for me
and I want what's best for you
But can't you see this is the best I can do?
You deserve someone who loves you to the depths of who you are
I wanted to be that person
I wanted to fill those shoes
But you can't force a fit
The feet were too big or the shoes were too small
But I want to believe I gave it my all
I know we have regrets
But one thing we can't forget
Is the experience we learned
and the place that we have come
would never have been attained without changing who we are
We're both different people now
Our lives aren't intertwined
But we'll always have this time, whatever it may be
Good or bad or ugly
stretching or learning or hiding
I hope it's for the best
My heart goes out to you
Because when it ended
It didn't mean I didn't care
Don't you see I care so much
I couldn't leave you there?

Happiness in this world...

... when it comes, comes incidentally. Make it the object of pursuit, and it leads us a wild-goose chase, and is never attained. Follow some other object, and very possibly we may find that we have caught happiness without dreaming of it; but likely enough it is gone the moment we say to ourselves, 'Here it is!' like the chest of gold that treasure-seekers find.
-Nathaniel Hawthorne

I thought you knew...

...you were beautiful and fair
your bright eyes and hair
but now I see that no one knows that
about himself, but must be told
and retold until it takes hold
because I think anything can be killed
after a while, especially beauty.
- Peter Meinke

Summertime

(Play as you read. It'll make more sense.)

As school is starting again, I know I will be faced with the question of "How was your summer?" and truthfully, many times I don't know how to answer. In short, this summer has been hard, really hard. I have been overwhelmed with a lack of faith and and abundance of apathy. Everything I had ever held on to was in question. In the past, whenever the feeling of faith would leave, I could rely on my knowledge of what I knew about God and religion. However, this time it was different; this time, the faith was gone and it was the knowledge that was in question.

It's hard for me to admit this because in my eyes, I am supposed to be the one that has it all together. I was always the good kid, the one that gave advice, the one that didn't need help, and I was ashamed. Ashamed that I couldn't live up to my expectation of myself. This expectation tore me up and down, beat me up, gave me a few black eyes. Anyways I hope this explains the gist of this summer for me, and truthfully, I'm not really even close to being through this.

So this is where the song comes in. This summer, I have been meeting with my dad (who surprisingly and rightfully welcomed my questioning) and trying to wrap my head around trusting God and letting him work through me than trying to please God and always disappoint myself by relying on my efforts. Each time we met I wanted that moment of "this is how I feel!" I understand and this is how I can get out of this. But that time never came and the light kept growing dimmer. Today I was making my quilt with my ipod on shuffle behind me. On comes a song with a very intriguing and beautiful musical intro. Then the starts singing, "Oh great it's a Christian song. (I'm tired of cliches)" Then the words catch me. This man is begging God to not remove his light from him. This is how I feel. As much as part of me wants to say to heck with this I'm just going to live my life, my inmost feeling is "Please don't take your presence away from me, O King. Please don't take away your embrace from me, My King." I hope he is big enough to hear my cry; I desperately desired to feel his love.  

Like I said, I don't think that I am through this battle at all, for the apathy is very strong, but today I saw a glimmer of hope. One that I will cherish and hold close until the rest returns.
Truthfully, as I am about to post this, I am a little nauseous. I am scared to let my facade down and say life is messed up right now. But here I go.

We're gonna start by drinking old cheap bottles of wine. Sit talking up all night. Saying things we haven't for a while.

The Script is my new all time favorite band.

These songs are amazing.

Imma Makin a Quilt!!!

Yay! :)