Intentions

Today as I was laying awake in my bed at 5:30 this morning, I thought came about intentions in life. Why I do the things I do? Lately, and frequently in the past I find that my intentions are not the right ones. Where the deeds are good and result in great outcome, how good are they if intentions come from selfish desires and faulty pressure? For example, many times I find myself wanting to deepen my relationship with God and wanting to converse with God more and do everything I can to please him. However, when I examine my intentions it's not to just get closer to God, which should be way more than enough, but its to get to a growing point that I think is good. I want to be a missionary when I get older and finish school and everything. So I find myself striving to get to the spiritual maturity I need to be that. But, I've found that many times when this is my sole intention, the growing is stifled and is quickly regressed. My intention of reaching a point of maturity needs to become the result and the intention replaced with a fervent striving to be more like the man who died on the cross for me.
So, I realize this and want to follow it, but so many times, the head knowledge and the feelings don't add up. Therefore, I don't try. I don't want to follow after something with the wrong intentions behind it; scared that my progress will be fake in a sense. And this is where I am now in my reasoning. I know it's not working and I need to stay hidden in God and let him hold me and guide me; for the sole purposes that he loves, died for me, and chose me to be his child. But, what do I do til those desires become real and evident in my life?